Stalkers

Many sex workers will have an issue with stalkers sooner or later in their time in the industry. There are many reasons why guys may stalk you and many ways it may manifest. In this page we will look at what it is, the reasons for it, what you can do about it and how you can handle it.

There are several reasons why stalking may happen to sex workers, which are related to both the type of people who stalk and the nature of sex work itself. That doesn't mean it is your fault or that you have deserved it.

Legal Issues involved with Stalking

Stalking is a criminal offense in every State and Territory in Australia. It is important to make yourself aware of the law in your State or Territory, because they will vary depending on where you are and where the stalking is occurring. The important thing to remember is that it IS a criminal offense although it can be hard to prove, and to establish grounds most States/Territories need you to demonstrate 2 or more unwanted acts that you believe have been undertaken to frighten you or cause you harm.

Types of Stalking

There are different types of stalking you may encounter. They generally try and manipulate a certain aspect of your life like your personal life and/or worklife, or they may be delusional stalkers where you are just a tool and they are unable to see or understand what they are doing.

WorkLife Stalkers

These stalkers attack you emotionally and mentally whilst you're in the process of carrying out your day to day work activities. This may include combinations of:

- sitting on forums allllllll day and night waiting for you to come online and then sending you emails or Private Messages trying to get your attention

- hunting you in chat rooms waiting for you to appear. When you do, they monopolise your time responding emotionally if you don't pay them the attention they desire, don't respond to a comment as they want you to, or getting angry if you troll for business whilst in the chatroom.

- hunting you on forums thru any posts you may make. They do this by responding on every thread you may post on, disagreeing with you or discussing things you asked them not to mention that you may have told them in a booking

- sending you excessive numbers of emails - what excessive is, is up to the individual working lady

- calling you numerous times in one day whether you have asked them to or not (20 phonecalls a day is unacceptable and cannot be justified in any way)

Relationship Stalkers

Stalking can occur at the end of a relationship, when the stalker doesn't want to let go. They are manipulative and controlling, and seek to know more about what you are doing and influence it. Although we may know that our relationship with a client is purely professional, they may not realise this, thinking that there is more there.

They are characterised as controlling and manipulative. If a client is stalking you, think back to the bookings. Did he try to convince you to provide services you didn't want to, try to elicit personal information, ask to meet you outside work or for a lower rate?

Simple Obsession/Delusional Stalkers

Delusional stalkers may or may not have met you, but they either believe that they are in an imaginary relationship with you, or they believe that they will be at some point in the future.

These stalkers are socially maladjusted and inept, emotionally immature, often subject to feelings of powerlessness, unable to succeed in relationships by socially-acceptable means, jealous, bordering on paranoid; and extremely insecure about themselves and suffering from low self-esteem.

These are the guys who appear shy and gentle, are clearly intelligent but with poor social skills. The ones who tell you that they have feelings for you and become needy, they usually want to think that they are the nice guy, unlike your other clients. They may express their feelings toward you and then seem expectant, as though waiting for to tell them the same thing.

Those in the helping professions are particularly vulnerable to delusional stalkers, such as health professionals, counsellors, etc, because for someone who already has difficulty separating reality from fantasy, the kindness shown by the soon-to-be victim, the only person who has ever treated the stalker with warmth, is blown out of proportion into a delusion of intimacy. Obviously this may be an issue with a sex worker and a client, the nature of the service is one where we are always kind, welcoming, and interested in the client during their visit.

Delusional stalkers, by definition, cannot be reasoned with. They just don’t get it and never will. Remember that in their minds, they have created an entire relationship with the power to completely transform their lonely lives, that is a significant emotional investment.Don't make the mistake of thinking that because delusional stalkers believe in something that isn't real that they are stupid. Statistically, stalkers are highly intelligent, which is why they can be so difficult to deal with.

Vengeful Stalkers

Vengeful stalkers are those who become angry with their victims over some slight, real or imagined. Delusional and post-relationship stalkers can cross into this area. Just because stalker has never made a threat doesn't mean they won't hurt you. Likewise, they may threaten and never do anything, but it is best to treat the situation as seriously as possible just in case.

Stalking behaviours May Include:

• Following/watching/spying on victims
  
• Gathering information on victims and their family
  
• Standing outside victims' homes or bothering them at work
  
• Taking or vandalizing victims' mail or property,
  
• Harming/threatening to harm/killing pets
  
• Defamation of the victim with lies to co-workers, acquaintances, clients
  
• Unwanted contact or communications through telephone/mail/e-mail to victims or their families, or any third parties with whom the victims are acquainted, including neighbors and co-workers.

The stalker may send flowers or gifts, or offer to provide help or money to you. However tempting, do not accept anything, it will encourage them.

Clients sometimes want to set themselves up as your savior, and these can easily turn into stalkers. Sometimes they want to "help you" leave the industry, either through financial encouragement or through threats. Sometimes they'll want to give you advice and assistance in your professional or personal life. It has occasionally happened that someone who is stalking will separate the helpful behaviour and the threatening behaviour, leading you to believe that they can help you with the threats from an anonymous source that is really them. The savior types always believe that everything they do is for your own good.

The stalker will work hard to find out your needs/interests and provide it. They will search for information on your home life, routines, friends and family. This information can be obtained legitimately by a number of methods, including directly asking about you, but there are many ways of gathering information on someone if you want to, and they do.

If you are known to do doubles with another worker, or he knows you associate with her outside work, her may book her and casually introduce you into conversation. Likewise if you work in a studio, he may book another girl there, or mention you to the receptionist.

An innocent comment from them, like that you are having time off because your child is ill, and you had previously mentioned that you have to travel to some out of the way suburb for specialists, may have him camped all day outside the specialist's office in that suburb. Remember that he has booked you in the past, and may have kept track of every seemingly useless remark you've made.

Get into the habit of not providing too much identifying information, or things that could help them track you down outside work. Make up a couple of things that are easy to remember, if you talk about your kids to clients, use the names of your sister's or friend's children instead of their real names. If you talk about a job outside the industry, make it one you used to do, not your current one. If you regularly post online, you may find he's read every post by and about you to discover information he can use, don't be specific.

When his efforts result in no positive result, he may change his behaviour to other forms of attention seeking. If he can't get positive attention, he will often settle for negative.

What to do

Do not respond.

- Any response at all is what they want. Tell the stalker "no" once and only once, and then never give him the satisfaction of a reaction again. The more you respond, the more you teach him that his actions will elicit a response. This only serves to reinforce the stalking.

- If someone calls you forty times and, in desperation, you finally call him back after the forty-first message to try and entreat or reason with him, that simply teaches the caller that it takes that many attempts to get you on the line.

- Withdraw gently. When confronted with them in person or on the phone, try to curb any actions or words which might provoke an angry response. Speak gently and slowly and say only one sentence before excusing yourself completely and totally. Your fallback sentence might be:
"Please find someone else to focus your attention on as I have no interest in you at all."

- Let the stalker maintain their dignity, they have nothing left to lose once that is stripped away, which is dangerous for you.

- Never reason or bargain with a stalker, this is a futile endeavor.

- Do not respond to the stalker's request to meet, even in the case of a crisis, such as a suicide threat.

- Never bother trying to explain to a stalker that they are a stalker. Stalkers NEVER see it, NEVER get it, it's a total waste of breath and your headspace

Increase your awareness:

- Do not overlook the signs of unwanted attention.

- Harassment/stalking often begin as minor annoying encounters, be attentive to early warning signs prior to the escalation of the stalking.

- Heed internal "red flags" (i.e., Intuition) alerting you to danger.

Documentation

- Record all phone conversations and save messages left on answering machines.

- Document the stalking event(s) with as much detail as possible.

- Save evidence and take pictures of any damage caused by the stalker.

- Carry a digital camera.

- It is wise to create a Logbook to document the time, location, and events.

- keep a copy of all emails

Retain Support

- Contact victim assistance programs in your area.

- Enlist the support of family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, therapists, and other victims. Let people know about the situation and enlist them as allies.

- Pay attention to your emotional needs during and/or after a stalking.

- Consider getting professional counseling.

- Do not listen to people who think you are inventing or exaggerating the stalking events or that the stalker is a merely an overzealous romantic.

- Contact your favourite forum or if desperate your local Sex Worker Organisation for support and resources.

- be sure to implement extra security precautions while working eg. have another worker on MSN and check in and out of each booking, make safety calls with a friend or another lady, hire security, pay someone to do receptioning for you

Decrease Accessibility of Information

- Get an unlisted phone number, and limit the number of people to whom you give it.

- Don't change your number should a stalker gain access to it. Instead, get a second one. Keep the old number hooked up to an answering machine, otherwise they will know you have changed numbers and set about finding the new one.

- Make sure your address isn’t listed in the phone book or in the reverse directory and never verify your home address or any other personal details over the phone.

- Never talk on a cordless phone (those conversations can be monitored). Scanners can also pick up conversations via baby monitors and hearing aids.

- Tell everyone you know that you’re being stalked, from neighbors to co-workers, so that when the stalker approaches them for information about you, they will be alerted not to divulge anything and will let you know he’s been around.

- Use a private post office box for all mail. Send that address to friends, businesses and associations. Request that they remove the old one from their address books/mobile phones and computers. Advise electricity company, phone companies, and creditors of the change. Notify any companies and catalogs of your new address and advise them that they cannot include your name on lists they rent or sell.

- Don't list your name on a list of tenants at the front of your apartment building.

- Register your driver's license and cars to an address other than your home if possible.

- Google for your name and any nicknames that you are known by, try to get any information that shows up changed or removed from the site in question. You'd be surprised what is online.

- Remove your home address and home phone number from personal checks, letterhead, and business cards.

- Use a non-home mailing address for voter registration and credit card applications.

- Make sure your name doesn't appear on any service or delivery orders to your house.

- Be careful with the information you put on MySpace, FaceBook, RSVP Profiles etc for both worklife and your personal life. This is the first stop for all stalkers

- stop blogging if you blog

Security

- Get a caller ID phone.

- Invest in an answering machine to screen your calls before picking up.

- Never be too embarrassed to react to your instincts, especially in public. If your body tells you to run, do it. If it tells you to scream, do it. If you're afraid in a store or shopping centre, ask one of the shop assistants to call security.

- Always keep you mobile phone charged, with credit, and on you at all times. Carry an personal alarm with you. Use it if approached.

- If you work privately outside of home, try to rent a flat with secure entrances and an underground secure parking area so that it's harder to find out which car is yours and when you leave.

- Let appropriate people around you know what's going on and enlist their help. Describe the threatening person (and any vehicles he drives) to family members, neighbors, household staff, co-workers, school officials, receptionists, and police. Photographs work even better.

- Plan ahead. Know the locations of police stations, fire departments and busy shopping centers. If you think you are being followed, take four left or right turns in a row, if the car is still there, drive straight to a police station and blow the horn. Stay in your car until the police come out.

- Always park in well-lit areas close the the shop or home you're visiting, and ask someone to accompany you to your car at night.

- Visually check the front and rear passenger compartments before entering your car. Keep the doors locked when not in use.

- Positively identify visitors before opening doors. Install a wide-angle viewer in all primary doors. Trim the shrubbery around your property. Install good outside lighting, including a porch light at a height that discourages removal and locks on gate fences.

- Install dead bolt locks in your residence. Don't hide emergency keys outside. If you have a deadbolt and can't account for all the keys, change your locks. Keep doors and windows locked, even when you are home, and do a quick check when you arrive home that they are undisturbed. Keep garage doors locked at all times. Use an electric garage-door opener.

- Make sure the area where the phone lines enter your home is inaccessible. Keep your home's fuse box locked.

- Invest in a family dog -- one of the least expensive but most effective alarm systems. Keep your pets inside at night and when you're away. When away for the evening, place lights and the radio or TV on a timer.

- Maintain all-purpose fire extinguishers--and smoke detectors--in your home and garage. Post emergency numbers by each telephone. Prepare an evacuation plan and brief household members on the procedures.

- Take a self-defense class. A lot of security experts don’t advise this, fearing that it gives victims a false sense of security, and it should not be relied upon solely. However, the best self-defense classes teach you how to become more aware of your surroundings and avoid confrontations, things that stalking victims would do well to learn.


Many of the things listed above can and should be done before stalking is a problem, making your personal information hard to find and your home and habits safer is not a difficult thing to do, and can prevent many potential problems from getting out of hand.

Reducing Contact

- Get a caller ID phone.

- Invest in an answering machine to screen your calls before picking up.

- Vary the routes you take, whether in a car or on foot, as well as your routines and social habits. This may mean finding a new gym, restaurant or bar to frequent.

- Have co-workers and flatmates help to screen all calls and visitors

- Don’t accept packages unless they were personally ordered.

- Don't block their email address so that it bounces, they will get a new one. Set up a filter that sends any emails from them straight to the trash without reading.

- stop posting on forums

- stop blogging


AVO?

Remember that an Apprehended Violence Order is just a piece of paper. It cannot protect you. In fact, the AVO is just a tool police use to show intent by the perpetrator. Obviously, the police will not be there when the perpetrator violates. Only after.

From the stalker’s point of view, AVOs are humiliating; the victim has just announced to the world that she wants nothing to do with him: She has stepped-up the rejection. Because of this, many perpetrators feel they must step-up the pursuit. Or they just get mad and plan to get even.

Does this mean that a stalking victim should not obtain an AVO? No.

But it does mean that you have to be aware it is not a solution, it will not immediately stop the harassment. It is only the first step to having the problem dealt with by police. However it is a good start. Stalking can sometimes go on for years, and if you don't deal with it sooner, you may have to later when you are much more drained and weary from the experience.

Getting an AVO will help with getting official documentation of the problem. When they violate the AVO, report it immediately to the police. The more evidence the police have that there is a problem, the better the case against them.


Resources

These books are recommended to anyone who thinks they have a stalker problem, or want to be more informed.

'The Gift of Fear, Survival Signals that Protect us from Violence' by Gavin de Becker

'Surviving a Stalker: Everything You Need to Know to Keep Yourself Safe' by Linden Gross

'I Know You Really Love Me: A Psychiatrist’s Journal of Erotomania, Stalking and Obsessive Love' by Doreen Orion, MD

These links are useful, but generally aimed at Americans, so the legal aspects are different:
www.antistalking.com/
www.stalkingbehavior.com/
www.criminalsbehindbars.com/info/stalkingqna.html
www.ncvc.org/src/

Dealing with Stalking a step by step guide for sex workers on what to do and when - how it all works in practice  

I'm not sure what advice the Police give you in other States, but here is what happens in NSW if you are stalked or have dramas of this nature.

Write down EVERY time this guy has or is contacting you, everytime you suspect he has been on your property, keep every text message, every email and log it. If you only suspect he has been on your property make sure you record it as you "suspect" he has been on your property. You need to keep a record of all of this for proof to give to the Police and the Courts he is escalating in his behaviour. You really need to keep a record of EVERYTHING. It is called a Stalking Log. Ooow and don't forget to log what you hve done in response to his theats like when you installed cameras etc.

Go to the Police and ask to speak to the Sex Worker Liaison Officer (if they have them in your State - it's training your local sex worker organisation gives the Police so they are better able to assist us when the shit hits the fan) or if you don't have them, ask to speak to your GLOW Officer (training given to certain Police for the Gay and Lesbian Community). You can also speak to a Community Liaison Officer. Basically you want to speak to someone who has done this sort of sensitivity training for marginalised communities because they will have a better understanding of your needs and what it means to be marginalised and in trouble.

To find a Police Officer who listens to you and takes you seriously, you may have to shop around and go to different Police Stations. It's just like we do with Doctor shopping to find a Doctor who doesn't treat us like diseased shit when we go for STI screens etc.

When you find one of these Police Officer's, show them your log book and they should suggest you go for an AVO. The Police Officer should get a Court date and turn up at the Court with you. Your AVO should be granted if you have your log and it is a good record. Once an AVO is granted, they will serve the twit with the AVO and then if he comes anywhere near you or your property he gets in serious shit.

I assume you have his phone number at least from text messages or phonecalls. This can be traced by Police and they can find out his name if you don't know it. It takes half a minute for them to find out, so don't think you need to know his name to take action. In NSW if you get a dodgey call, the Police will call the number on the spot and warn him to stop doing it - puts fear of christ into them and they will usually stop stalking you at this point.

If you are taking phonecalls from him, I suggest you either let his calls just go thru to your message bank so you can record them, or if you do take his calls, get a friend to listen to them and then record them in your log book so someone else can back you up and say the phonecall did happen - make it a non sex worker. I would suggest you don't take his calls because stalkers get off on your response and hearing how much they are disturbing you. By talking to it, you feed it.

When you call Telstra or whoever is your service providor, ask to speak to a Team Leader on the phone. Team Leaders are managers and are the only people you want to speak to. If you explain to them in a calm manner the fact you are getting threatening, abusive calls and this guy has been hacking your phone lines, they should take this VERY seriously. I mean VERY SERIOUSLY - it is completely illegal for this to be happening. They should fax you a report IMMEDIATELY or post it or email it. If the Team Leader you're talking to refuses to do this for you, speak to another one. Do NOT take shit from Telstra. It is completely within their powers and abilities to respond to this situation IMMEDIATELY.

If they say it will take some time to investigate, tell them they have a week to send an electrician to find out what's going on or you'll go to Today Tonight about it and your already in contact with the Police - that always makes them jump. When they send this info out, stick it in your log book.

I don't know about the Police in every State, but in NSW we call Di Harmer at Kings Cross Police 02 8356 0099. I haven't spoken to her for a while, but I know girls who have so I'm fairly sure she is still there. You can talk to her about it and ask for a referral to someone she thinks is super cool in other States. She will have contacts in other States for sure I would say. If she doesn't have contacts, she will know who has been trained to deal with this crap.

The best bit of advice I can give you is don't let him hear he is freaking you out, don't react because this is what he wants. If you let him think it is not effecting you and you find it all really boring, then he gets no input into the game, he gets bored and moves on to the next mark. It's a power trip and by reacting your demonstrating he has power over you. Easy for me to say I know, but I've had stalkers and I have one right now who hates my guts and is making my life resemble a bucket of vomit, but it gives you a certain satisfaction to know you're not giving them what they want. When you ignore it, he will escalate for a while, then get bored and back off in my experience.